The “I Do” Blues: Postnuptial Depression

THE “I DO” BLUES: Postnuptial Depression

By Sean Kenniff, MD

  A wedding is usually one of the most joyous days in a young couple’s life; a time to celebrate love and hope for a lifetime of happiness. But for some newlyweds the big day is soon followed by a big letdown. 

  “It should be described as the day the prince falls off his horse, and we change from girls into women,” one blogger writes. 

  “What begins the day after marriage? Misery,” replies another. 

  In many cases once the honeymoon is over, humdrum reality sets in, and that can leave unprepared couples coping with postnuptial depression-also called the ‘I Do Blues’. 

  “Building a happy, productive partnership is not easy.  The unrealistic expectations set up by our culture, media images of connubial bliss, romantic novels and song lyrics soon prove to be impossible to create, and reality then sets in,” says Dr. Tina Tessina.

  Dr. Tessina, better known as “Dr. Romance,” is a distinguished California psychotherapist and author of the book, Money Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. She says both men and women are at risk of postnuptial depression, because their expectations are often out of step with day-to-day marital life. 

  “Any situation in which the expectations are unrealistic can be considered a ‘set up’ for disappointment, which some people experience as depression,” she says. 

  In the months leading up to the wedding day the bride and groom often become the gravitational center of activity for family and friends. Some couples, especially the brides-to-be, spend so much time planning a wedding that they often fail to plan a survival strategy for the days afterwards; and when the wedding day spotlight disappears, so can a sense of purpose.  

  “People who are emotionally resilient rise to this challenge and work together to solve the problems and improve the relationship.  Those who are not resilient sink into despair and depression, and stop trying,” Dr. Tessina says. 

Signs of postnuptial depression may include

• 1. Lack of energy
• 2. Emotional withdrawal
• 3. Lack of sexual intimacy
• 4. Feelings of hopelessness, or despair
• 5. Frequent crying
• 6. Sleeplessness

  Roughly half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce, so it is normal to have some reservations about the sustainability of a new marriage, or suitability of a new spouse. It’s also difficult for some to move from the ‘me’ mindset of being single, to the ‘we’ mindset of being married. Unfortunately few people want to talk about postnuptial depression for fear it might trigger some trouble-in-paradise rumors, but experts say couples should communicate their difficulties to each other, and a professional. Antidepressant medications can help in severe cases, but most cases of postnuptial depression can be treated effectively with psychological therapy.

  “Counseling will also help you handle situations more effectively,” Dr. Tessina says, “and help you not create more drama and dysfunction in the relationship. “ 

  The best way to avoid postnuptial depression is through careful planning and maintaining perspective. First try not to put overblown significance on the wedding day. Certainly it is an important day, but it is still just another day. Before the big day it may help to delegate wedding responsibilities wherever you can, think about having a less lavish reception, try to avoid obsessions or being a perfectionist, and talk to friends and family about your stress. 

  It’s important to remember loving relationships are like flowers; they blossom quickly, need constant care and change with the seasons. Just watch out for the thorns and expect bees. 

Sean Kenniff, MD is a neurologist, radio host, and television journalist in Miami, Florida. 

Tina B. Tessina, PhD, also known as ‘Dr.Romance’, is a licensed psychotherapist in Southern California with over 30 years of experience counseling couples and individuals. She is the author of thirteen books on relationships including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. Dr. Tessina also writes the Dr. Romance blog, and is a Relationships Expert for Redbook Love Network, Divorce360.com, and she answers relationship questions at Yahoo! Personals. She can be reached by visiting her website  http://www.tinatessina.com