YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING? How to Make a Love U-Turn…

(Note: The post below is from the book STOP *EFFING YOURSELF, by Dr. Sean Kenniff)

YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING?

How to Make a Love U-Turn…

By Sean Kenniff

You have fallen out of love–you are sure of it. You might still love your partner, but you are no longer “in love” with him or her. Looking back, you recall a time when your partner sent your heart and mind racing with excitement. Every moment seemed magical. But now those times have vanished, and it seems like all that passion was just smoke and mirrors, a cruel trick. You still obsess about your partner but now only in a very negative way. You ask yourself over and over, How could this have happened? How did hot and heavy become cold and lonely? Why am I staying in the relationship? Who am I fooling? Am I condemned to a passionless and pointless future?

Signs you may be falling out of love with your partner.

• 1. You are physically repulsed by your partner.
• 2. You cringe before kissing.
• 3. You constantly point out your partner’s faults.
• 4. You feel like a fraud.
• 5. You married for money, sex or security.
• 6. Your basic emotional needs are not being met.
• 7. You don’t respect your partner.
• 8. You no longer care if your partner has sex with someone else.
• 9. You avoid talking about the future.
• 10. You are never happy at home.

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love. As your relationship changes with time, you must change along with it–and change requires work. If you have not been adjusting and growing within your relationship, now is the time to start. Falling out of love is usually a painfully slow process. So time is on your side.

Here are some tips on how you can make a love U-turn.

Create a Love Concept.

Define what you mean by love. For most people, love is an abstract concept, and writing some thoughts on paper will help you see what you have in your relationship and what you are lacking. Write down an explicit definition of love, the actions that you consider demonstrate love, and all of your other love expectations.

Take a Reality Check.

Compare your love concept to what you read in books, watch on television, and see in the movies. If your love concept is strikingly similar to the dramatic love concept, you have been terribly misled. If books and the mainstream media accurately portrayed the amount of tedium in real-life romances, you wouldn’t read or watch. Make sure you are not holding your relationship up to a ridiculous Hollywood standard.

Identify Changes.

Think back to a happier time in your relationship, and write down ways both you and your partner have changed. Were you more attentive, seductive, and forgiving? Identify ways in which the relationship has fundamentally changed. Are there other obligations interfering with your ability to love each other? Have children entered the picture? Has one partner lost a job or received a promotion? Examine how all of these changes are related and try to figure out some simple solutions.

Time to Talk.

After creating a realistic love concept and identifying changes in your relationship, it is time to have a thoughtful and candid conversation with your partner. Your partner may have similar concerns. And when two people drift away from each other, they drift away at twice the speed. Assure your partner that you are committed to improving your love relationship and keep the conversation solution-oriented.

Act Lovingly.

Love is a feeling, but it is also an action. It is a noun and a verb–and verbs usually imply action. You cannot be passive about love. It will not magically reappear in your relationship. You must give love to get it. Make specific and unambiguous efforts to demonstrate your love for partner at least once a day. Like a bank account, you have to deposit love before you can withdraw it. You must start giving the love you want in return.

Starve Your Resentment.

Don’t focus on feelings of resentment and hostility. When people fall in love, they often develop a positive obsession for their partners, and it creates constant excitement. When falling out of love, the obsession turns negative and becomes constant resentment. You must do your best to block these negative thoughts.

Feed The Positivity.

Do your best to acknowledge the positive qualities of your partner. Identify what is right about your partner and your relationship, and then tell your friends and family about them. You might be surprised at the reaction. They might just tell you how lucky you are. Getting this kind of positive feedback will strengthen your relationship.

Let it Go.

Don’t hold onto past resentments.

Seduce Each Other.

To add some passion into your lives, make sure you are seducing each other on a regular basis. Look your best. Express desire–or fake it. If your sex life has turned boring, be open to spicing it up a bit. Have fun, make love, and hang out like you used to.

What is Missing in Passion, Make Up For With Intimacy.

While you may never recapture the passion you had with your partner in the first years of dating, you should make efforts to become increasingly intimate. Like passionate love, being understood and cherished is also a fundamental human desire. Feed your partner’s desire for intimacy–it is the glue of all long-term love relationships. Concentrate on safeguarding your partner and attending to their emotional needs.

Dr. Sean Kenniff is the author of STOP *EFFING YOURSELF and ETRE THE COW. Click on the book cover above to purchase.

What is Your Love Personality?

What is Your Love Personality?

by Sean Kenniff, MD 

   Finding your perfect mate may come down to ‘chemistry’ after all-the chemistry inside your brain according to a new relationship theory. Dr. Helen Fisher, a Rutgers University anthropologist, has studied brain responses to relationships for decades, and she says there are four distinct personality types based on your brain chemistry.

The Builder: Builders are fueled by the feel-good brain chemical serotonin. Serotonin is the same neurotransmitter that is believed to be critical in alleviating depression. Builders are calm, orderly and managerial in their approach to love. Although they can be pleasingly social, sometimes they are criticized for being humdrum homebodies. Builders are reliable, stable and consistent, but they can be a bit predictable and lack some spontaneity.

The Explorer: Explorers are governed by the novelty-seeking brain chemical dopamine. Imbalances of dopamine have been connected to heightened impulsivity, risk-taking behaviors, drug addiction, delusions, and even schizophrenia. Driven by dopamine explorers constantly seek excitement in relationships. Sometimes they move from relationship to relationship once the monotony sets in. Explorers are highly spontaneous and often fun lovers, but they become bored easily and are often criticized for being flighty.

The Director: The male sex hormone testosterone is thought to predominate in the brains of directors, but both men and women can fall into this personality type. In studies testosterone has been associated with aggression and competitiveness. In relationships the testosterone-driven directors are focused, rational, daring and direct. They are logical lovers, but at times they can be coldly analytical, bossy and controlling.

The Negotiator: Negotiators are governed by the female hormone estrogen, but both men and women can fall into this category. Estrogen has been associated with mothering behaviors, emotional connectivity, and selfless reasonability. Negotiators are socially skilled, idealistic peacemakers and they often find themselves at the gravitational center of relationships. They are empathetic lovers, and willing to compromise on almost every issue. 

So what types make the best matches? 

Explorers: Explorers often want to date themselves and they should. The other personality types are often frustrated by the explorer’s flights of fancy, irrationality, and unwillingness to commit to long-term relationships. So explorers should seek other explorers to keep fueling the excitement. Explorers can sometimes ground themselves by dating builders, but they run into trouble by dating directors. The no-nonsense approach of the director leaves explorers feeling confined or trapped. 

Builders: Builders value loyalty, consistency, and thrive on routine. Dating another builder is the most common and it may be the most successful relationship strategy. Two builders together often form a stable family unit, guided by shared goals and teamwork. Builders can sometimes ground an explorer, but the builder’s love of routine can often clash with the explorer’s love of novelty.   

Negotiators and Directors: Directors often need a negotiator to temper their frank, methodical approach to romance, and negotiators often benefit from the stronger backbone of directors. However negotiators, given their pleasing nature, can suit just about other personality type. Directors, on the other hand, find it very difficult to date anyone without good negotiating and peacemaking skills.

Prescription for More Sex, More Often

More Sex, More Often

by Sean Kenniff, MD

   For many couples sex that used to sizzle starts to fizzle. In the U.S. the average married couple has sex fifty-eight times a year-that’s just a little bit more than once a week-and many couples have much less than that. Good communication is essential for all healthy relationships, but seduction may be as important-and many long-term lovers have simply forgotten all about the art of seduction. 

These are the Seven Surefire Secrets to Seduction that promise to cure that bedroom boredom.

#1 Tell your lover a sexy bedtime story

Experts often say the brain is the most powerful sexual organ in the body and one good way to engage it is with fantasy. So conjure up a story and share it with your lover at bedtime. It can be about a princess, a pirate, or a real person. Tell your lover how you want to be pleased or how you intend to please them. Just don’t hold back! Getting graphic really gets the brain going. 

#2 Say it, before you do it

Like professional athletes who visualize victories, the brain must be primed before the body can perform. It could be a breathy phone call at work, a dirty note left inside a purse or a briefcase, or just a racy text message. For some people the anticipation of sex can be nearly as rewarding as the act itself. So build anticipation and let the momentum take care of the rest. 

#3 Bedtime is adult playtime

There are plenty of toys and adult themed games on the market, but sometimes it’s better to get creative with the games you might already have around the home-plus they’re a lot more discreet. So try playing a few hands of strip poker, give naked Twister a spin, or just tickle your funny-bone with a game of erotic Operation. Just roll the dice and use your imagination.

#4 Set the scene and look the part

If you want an Oscar-worthy performance set a scene that engages as many of the five senses as possible. So try some dim lighting, scented candles, delicious finger foods, wine, feathers, satin sheets, fluffy pillows, rose petals or romantic music. Use many of these sense stimulators in combination. And don’t forget to touch your lover often. Touch is perhaps the most primal of the five senses. Shower, shave, and dress the part.

#5 Just do it

Call it the ‘Nike Philosophy’: even if it seems monotonous experts say making love on a regular basis is critical to sustaining a healthy sexual relationship. Once couples stop having regular romps it is often difficult to get back to previous levels of activity. It’s like going to the gym: the hard part is getting there, but once you start sweating it is always well worth the trouble.

#6 Have a naughty night out

Forget date night! Instead try a naughty night out. Maybe take your partner to a striptease, an adult toy store, a theme room at a motel, or even the back seat of your car. Pretend to meet in a bar and pick each other up all over again. Basically if it feels like you are doing something wrong you probably have the right idea.

#7 Novelty

Break life’s monotony by adding everyday novelty. The brain responds to novel situations with increased awareness and heightened senses. Changing your routine by doing different things throughout the day also raises levels of feel good neurochemicals in both men and women.

It’s important to remember that a lack of sexual desire or inability to perform sexual activity can sometimes be a sign of a serious psychological or medical condition. So if you want to have more sex, more often, but are physically unable to do so, make sure you discuss the problems candidly with your doctor.